Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
