I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
