Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
