My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
