She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
