My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
