How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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