Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
