Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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