I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
