He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
