You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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