Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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