There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
