When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize