I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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