He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
