Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
