dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
