I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
