Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
