Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
