9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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