We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
