I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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