I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
