When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
