i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
