Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
