let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
