Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
