Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So much rum. So many feels.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
