Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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