wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
