bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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