Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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