god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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