I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
