My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
