I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
