Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
