Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
