I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
