i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
