Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
