i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
