I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
