I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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