she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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