so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
