Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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