I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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