If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
