My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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