My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
