Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
