I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
literally had 100 drinks last night.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
