So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
