don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
