Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
