My pussy is not your playground.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
