The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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