it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
