I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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