Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she looked like the before picture.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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