fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
